“How Are You?” What to answer when you’re never “Fine, thanks”

This article was written around March, 2001.

I’m never, “Fine, thanks”. Oh, I say I am, just like everybody else, but I never am. It’s just that most people who ask don’t really care what you say. It’s just convention, like saying, “Hello” and “Goodbye”. So I say, “Fine” and mean, “I’m in pain, I’m exhausted, I’m scared, I’m not sure how I’ll survive the day”.

This is especially hard for those with invisible disabilities because we look, “Fine, thanks”. You can’t see our pain, our fatigue, our eight million other symptoms. This makes getting the message through harder.

So what can you reasonably reply when somebody asks how you’re feeling? Firstly, you need to know why they’re asking. People say, “How are you?” for a lot of reasons, and it means different things at different times. I mentally sort these people and instances into classes:

• The person doesn’t really want to know, they’re just using, “Hello, how are you?” as a synonym for, “Hello”. People doing this might not even know you’re invisibly disabled. Just say, “Fine” as your own synonym for, “Hello” and continue the conversation.
• The person who isn’t sure if they want to know or not. I try to find something positive to say in response, just to avoid getting the, “Stop being so negative all the time” lecture. Even if it doesn’t answer the question, this often works. It can lead to slight non-linear exchanges such as:
  

  “How are you?”
  “I had fun watching the sun come up today”

  Strangely enough, people only vary rarely seem to notice that you didn’t answer their question, so this works fine. This case also works for people who sort wants to know, but hates, “all your negativity”.

• You’re not sure what the person wants. In this case, I generally say, “Well, do you want the short answer or the long answer?”. The short answer is usually something that’s true but glosses over things, something like, “Well, my back’s worse today but I’m okay emotionally”. The long answer is, well, the long answer – you might want to offer them a seat.
• People you really know well, special people, those who really understand and care about you. The people that mean it when they ask how you are. An answer like, “Have you got time and energy for the whole sorry mess, or do you want the short version today?” would be appropriate. You might like to remind them how much you appreciate their friendship while you’re at it.

Of course, people don’t really divide neatly up into four classes. But those are some general trends that I, and others with invisible disabilities, have noticed.