This piece written in 1996.
You will also want to read the followup article about my experiences as a viewer of the 2000 Paralympics:
Raven lent me a portable TV a few weeks ago. She set it up on a stool at the foot of my bed and armed me with a TV guide.
Watching the Olympics was nice ... I guess all the media people around must have been somewhat distracting, but for those of us who only ever get to watch it was like having a window into another world.
It didn't mater that all I could do was lie in bed and watch - Olympic athletes are meant to be special. That sort of achievement is out of reach to 99.99% of the population anyway. There's a cultural rule saying we're allowed to enjoy it without feeling like we should be able to do that too.
Then along come the Paralympics ... They're smaller and less media covered, although ABC TV has fitted in an hour or two most days and played all of the opening ceremony. I've been watching it, I don't know why. It makes me feel bad, but I want to watch it.
There's two reasons, I think. Firstly, I can identify somewhat with the competitors ... there's a line somewhere between "illness" and "disability" and when you have a chronic illness of indeterminate length and severity, you're never quite sure which side of the line you're on. So watching these people makes part of my go, "Hey, I guess I'm disabled too...".
But secondly, the Paralympics is full of stories of determination, stories of overcoming barriers. And of course the TV coverage - being aimed at the general population - is playing up this aspect. It's lovely to hear stories of how So-and-so was in a car accident at 19 and became a paraplegic, and is now ranked 3rd in the world at men's wheelchair tennis ... But what if you got sick at 19 and now, at 25, have achieved nothing?
I have CFS and FMS, illnesses which are self-defeating. The harder I push to try to achieve things, the sicker I will get. No amount of courage and determination will ever get me any healthier, any more able to study, or work ... let alone to play sport. Time may do that, will do that, but struggling will not.
I guess that, really, I'm jealous of them. I got the obstacles placed in front of me too, but I wasn't given the means to overcome them. It's all very well to suddenly have a brick wall built in front of you, but they could at least have left a rope ladder for me to climb.
You will also want to read the followup article about my experiences as a viewer of the 2000 Paralympics:
