This piece written in 1996.
You will also want to read the follow-up article about my experiences as a viewer of the 2000 Paralympics.
Raven lent me a portable TV a few weeks ago. She set it up on a stool at the foot of my bed and armed me with a TV guide.
Watching the Olympics was nice … I guess all the media people around must have been somewhat distracting, but for those of us who only ever get to watch it was like having a window into another world.
It didn’t mater that all I could do was lie in bed and watch – Olympic athletes are meant to be special. That sort of achievement is out of reach to 99.99% of the population anyway. There’s a cultural rule saying we’re allowed to enjoy it without feeling like we should be able to do that too.
Then along come the Paralympics … They’re smaller and less media covered, although ABC TV has fitted in an hour or two most days and played all of the opening ceremony. I’ve been watching it, I don’t know why. It makes me feel bad, but I want to watch it.
There’s two reasons, I think. Firstly, I can identify somewhat with the competitors … there’s a line somewhere between “illness” and “disability” and when you have a chronic illness of indeterminate length and severity, you’re never quite sure which side of the line you’re on. So watching these people makes part of my go, “Hey, I guess I’m disabled too…”.
But secondly, the Paralympics is full of stories of determination, stories of overcoming barriers. And of course the TV coverage – being aimed at the general population – is playing up this aspect. It’s lovely to hear stories of how So-and-so was in a car accident at 19 and became a paraplegic, and is now ranked 3rd in the world at men’s wheelchair tennis … But what if you got sick at 19 and now, at 25, have achieved nothing?
I have CFS and FMS, illnesses which are self-defeating. The harder I push to try to achieve things, the sicker I will get. No amount of courage and determination will ever get me any healthier, any more able to study, or work … let alone to play sport. Time may do that, will do that, but struggling will not.
I guess that, really, I’m jealous of them. I got the obstacles placed in front of me too, but I wasn’t given the means to overcome them. It’s all very well to suddenly have a brick wall built in front of you, but they could at least have left a rope ladder for me to climb.
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