(Written by one who would rather remain nameless)
(With more apologies to Tom Sharpe, Mervyn Peake and Punch magazine)
Start with Sheerwater I if you haven't already read it.
Willowbrook Hall
12 Feb
Dear Joy,
They might let me come home!!! There's rumours going all over the place that its closing down!!! I'm allowed to write to friends again!!! The staff are all going critical or into orbit or something over what's going to happen to the patients especially the ones that get a bit violent. Natalie, my friend here that gets violent and exposes herself and propositions men (I mean REALLY propositions them!!!) was worried they wouldn't let her go but her 6 month review was all over before she could hardly say anything!!! They didn't want to hear anything bad she said. And NOW theyre saying that I might have this CFS and not be nuts at all and I spoke to Mum on the phone and there's no more restraints if I get upset!!! I was so happy when I went to see the head shrink and she was all worried about me going into a manic phase and who would look after me. Will let you know more as soon as I find out myself. I hardly dare hope.
Break a leg,
Fiona.
URGENT AND PERSONAL FOR ÆÆÆÆÆÆÆÆÆÆÆ
Date: 16 February 1997
Origin: Treasury Department
To: Permanent Secretary, MOH
No Names on this one, please, dear boy. We have gratefully received your copy of the tape and have rather buried it. It might perhaps be tactful to erase your own copy and tell our Lords & Masters that someone forgot to turn on the machine [You might even tiptoe around a suggestion to that vulgar little bitch that it is her responsibility to make sure the records are kept]. Then a soupÁon of creative editing on the written transcript could save cries and lamentations at post mortem. Anthony has intimated [a trifle pompously] that when Health could be such an issue in an election year, leaving any trace of material that could be somewhat misinterpreted by our more squalid media rodents is merely asking for grief and recriminations when it gets leaked, as the poor dears always seem to manage somehow [Apropos of which, Bill's interjection of 'Fuck MMP' might usefully be unheard].
It is such a responsibility keeping its administration intact when one is intent on reforming a health system into annihilation. Possibly you might encourage her to sign the [edited] results as the True & Accurate Record, representing the improvements as in the Interest of The Nation? Loyalty sits so well upon us minions, does it not? Remember, dear boy, little touches like this do make them feel Loved & Wanted and politicians, even Ministers, are always anxious to believe that other people have some shreds of decency left. Still, I must say, one almost despairs of them at times: I mean, closures are a matter of timing, are they not, particularly of our more hallowed Laughing Academies? What on earth possessed them to couple the announcement with plans for more reductions and privatisation of the Police Force? One is tempted to speculate that our pensions would be far more assured if Willowbrook Hall was greatly extended instead and all MPs were housed there incommunicado....
However, I suppose someone has to stand up in public and take the rotten eggs and one could scarcely expect any individual with more intelligence than a yak to swallow the delusions of personal power that they all seem to embrace. Had they any higher cerebral functions, how could we sustain the charade? Do the best you can to tidy this up, dear boy and we will all sleep easier in our beds. If the Press get to it first it will make them positively rabid .
Willowbrook Hall, 18 Feb
Dear Joy,
Just a note to say its TRUE!!! I'm coming home!!! They really are closing it down. But the're keeping all the management staff so they can run the District Service more efficiently. The funny thing is there aren't going to be any shrinks in it.
All best, Fi.
"Caring, minister, we're Caring. We're closing these places for simple humanitarian reasons. Do you understand?"
"........!?"
"Dumping them on the street ? Not at all! Really, Minister! The idea of incarcerating the Disturbed is barbaric, it should have gone out alongwith whipping the devil out of them. What we are doing is Returning them to The Community to a Meaningful Life With Their Families."
".............?"
"Yes, certainly you may quote me. And you should add that there will be a full support service in place to assist them "
".............!"
"Not at all, Minister. There will be a District Nursing Aide appointed and the Salvation Army and St Johns have very kindly volunteeredto ....."
"....... .....?"
"No, that is not all, Minister. Far from it. We're going to have a Helicopter!"
"........!......?"
"Well, I am relieved that you are relieved. And of course we'll get you photographed with it."
"...............!"
'Not at all, Minister, just doing my job.'
"Yes, I said a chopper, Charles. Charles?"
"..........!"
"You know perfectly well that I mean a helicopter Charles and infantile humour about Nacht und Nebel and bullets being cheaper are wasting my valuable time. We are having a helicopter on hand to transport our Poor Disturbed Clients. Have you got that?"
"..........?"
"What the hell does it matter where to? Helicopters are dramatic, they're photogenic, the masses love them, they see our efforts imbued with a fine sense of urgency. What more could you ask?"
"......!.....!"
"Well, what if they do get held up by weather? It gives the Press time to arrive. And as for landing sites, that's even better for a Teamwork dash-from-a-distance by the Ground Support people."
"..........!'
"Don't quibble, Charles. And do not be ridiculous. How could one film a District Nursing Aide peddling up with a foaming maniac hog-tied to the cross-bar? Government-issue Women's Bicycles do not have cross-bars anyway. No, no, we have the St Johns...."
"..........?"
"Of course it would be cheaper and more convenient if they took them all the way! That is scarcely the point. We have to sell our reforms and a helicopter is a small price to pay compared to running a whole damned hospital. Have you learned nothing of the real world?"
"Hello, Dad?"
"............!"
"Yes, isn't it marvellous? They're letting me out tomorrow, well all of us, actually. But can you pick me up from the airport please?"
".............?"
"I know its half an hour away and you're only five minutes down the road but they're taking us all out by helicopter!"
".............?"
"Well, I don't know. I don't think they'd let you just drive up to the Hall and pick me up there anyway. They've got all the newspeople coming and the Minister of Health is going to be there at the airport, so I suppose they have to take all the patients there and then they can get picked up or take the shuttle into town or something."
".......!....?"
"I suppose it is a bit silly really but I'll be getting a free ride in a helicopter and we're going to be on the six o'clock news on TV, arriving in the helicopter and meeting the Minister."
"............!"
"I don't care what happens afterwards, I'll be out of there! Bye, Dad and thanks, see you tomorrow. Put a clean shirt on in case they get you on the cameras!"
WILLOWBROOK HALL CLOSURE SPARKS CONTROVERSY
The closure of Willowbrook Hall, the last psychiatric hospital with secure facilities in the Waitati Area CHE, has led to heated protest from the psychiatric staff now made redundant and also from members of the public who presented a petition at the Mayoral Chambers this afternoon. The Area Director, Mr Duckworth, said in a prepared statement that clients need have no fears for the quality of ongoing consumer health care, which will be fully maintained through home visits by a district nurse. Also, the managerial staff of Willowbrook Hall will be retained at full strength although their job descriptions will be redefined. A helicopter will be available to transport clients in need of urgent hospital facilities.
Mr Duckworth declined to confirm the allegation that the Willowbrook Hospital Manager was paid a redundancy fee of 170,000$ and re-employed as District Manager the next day. When pressed he replied that all payments were confidential but top management staff must now be paid market rates or they would simply leave for Australia. When asked why a top managerial post was required at all in view of the drastic reductions in clinical staff he replied that obviously it was even more necessary in order to make sure that remaining resources were used with the utmost efficiency.
Asked whether there was any substance to the rumour that Willowbrook Hall had already been sold the a Japaneses consortium who intended to make it into a country club and casino, Mr Duckworth said he was not at liberty to disclose any governmental negotiations which might or might not be taking place. The presence of earth moving equipment at the site, apparently laying out a golf course was sheer speculation. When asked to comment on why the patients had to be evacuated to the airport by helicopter and whether he would be present there with the Minister of Health, Mr Duckworth left abruptly and word was sent to our reporter that he was not available for further discussion.
"Hello, Mr Pilot! Grrrr! I'm a pussycat that wants a little grope. How would you like one? Groowl! See my tongue? Know what I can do with it?"
"Christ almighty! Get this crazy bitch off me! She'll get us all killed! I'm trying to land this thing!"
"We don't use the word Crazy about our Clients, er .. Bruce, isn't it? And We find reasoning with them works wonders."
"Lady, if you don't get that sex-crazed cow out of my pants NOW, we're going to crash! And I mean NOW!"
"Natalie dear, you must leave the pilot alone to fly the helicopter or we might get hurt. Now be a good Client and and say you're sorry......Aaargh! Well have it that way if you want it, My Girl!"
"Just keep her off me till we hit the deck, OK?"
"What about when we're on the deck, Mr Pilot?"
"Holy shit!"
"Natalie, they won't let you go home!"
"Oh yeah? No more Review Boards, little Fiona, remember? And anyway all I want is a good solid...Aaah, you cow-shrink!"
"Gotcha!"
22 Feb
14 Ailsa St
Glencrummock
Dear Joy,
Its wonderful to be home again and I'm sorry you never got to see me on TV. They only showed the very first bit with the Minister and the helicopter landing. It was all Natalie's fault. They'd picked us quiet ones (that's me because I'm always too tired to do anything anyway!) to go on the first ride and meet the Minister but Natalie had fooled them on the Review Board and they thought she was alright now but she wasn't. When the helicopter landed she molested the pilot and he yelled and when they pulled her off she jumped out and saw the TV cameras and the Minister. It was really embarrassing then because she ran over in front of the cameras and pulled her skirt up and she had nothing on underneath. And then she screamed at the Minister that she was an ugly old bitch that no-one would want to ---- any more and tried to molest the cameraman. Her folks were there to meet her and they just about died and then someone (I think it was her Dad!) came and hit her on the jaw and knocked her out and then the police came and dragged him off and he was fighting them and knocked over a cameraman who was filming them really close. I don't really know what happened after that but the pilot was shouting at the charge nurse and then she tried to hit him and missed and hit a security guard and he tripped over the cameraman who had been knocked over. And you can imagine the rest!!! I just crept away until I found Dad and he brought me home going on at me all the time about So that was what we payed our taxes for, as if it was all my fault. I was too tired to say anything and anyway I was crying but he carried me into the house instead of making me try and walk on my own and saying I wasn't really trying and that was wonderful. Mum says that now some doctors are saying CFS is real and she's found out about a CFS-Support Group, only they call it ME for some reason. I'm going to find out what they do and join it. Did you know there's even an International CFS Awareness Day? Its on May 12.
Keep in touch,
Fi.
Waitati ME Support Group (Inc), 56 Burnside Rd,
10 March 1997
Dear Fiona,
Welcome to the Group! I enclose our newsletter with upcoming events
[NEWSLETTER Topics: Alien Abducts CFS author - Alien tells 'His story', Ancient art of tongue swallowing explained. Francis describes a new diagnostic machine her husband invented]
"Look, Frances darling, we're on in just 17 minutes! I mean, the rabble are frothing at the mouth. We have to give them something! I mean, May 12 is this damned idiotic CFS-Awareness-day thingy. I mean, we have all this lowbrow stuff from our beloved cousins across the Tasman but its scarcely what one could call news! Be a true sweetheart and dig through the shit from CBS, BBC, whatever. You like your job, don't you darling? Well this is Jeremy, your friend, telling you in a friendly way that its on the line. Do you read me darling?"
"Yes, Jeremy, the Rake in the Grass.'
"......!"
"Please, whatever you can. There must be something."
"...........?"
"We'll just have to cut and paste. Come on, George, you can help a fellow hetero?"
"Newscrute has been gathering reactions to CFS Awareness Day from around the world and now we bring you the latest opinion from the BBC's 'On The Spot'."
"Dr Simon Wenceslas has made his views clear, so what would you say, your Grace?"
"I would say... Iwould say... that CFS Awareness Day has all the anticlimactic impact of an aborted sneeze. But, I must admit, I've been saving that mot just for the opportune moment!"
[Laughter]
"Well, viewers, there you have it! The opinions of a leading psychiatrist and our most Current-Affairs-Conscious senior member of the clergy. The enigma remains. But now we go live to the stadium in Buenos Aires where angry soccer fans are hanging the referee from the goal posts."
"In the United States, CFS is, of course, a more political issue and here is a CBS item"
"Senator, now that Professor Sidney Grossberg in Wisconsin has beeen awarded 270,000$ NIH bridging finance, do you not think it is time to seriously consider CFS as an infectious disease?"
"Ma'am, I will answer that question that in two parts. Firstly, like any Red-Blooded American, I have my country's health as one of my Primary Targeted Objectives. Secondly, [Wanita-Belle, quick! What the fuck was it called?] - ah, - CFS is going untreated to the dis-grace of the American Public and I assure you good people that you need look no further than my humble self to Carry the Torch for Health and De-mocracy."
"Senator, have you made your views known to the Centers for Disease Control and Prevention in Atlanta?"
"Young lady, my views are public knowledge and I have not one danged thing to hide."
"So, Senator, you will be putting all your - considerable - weight behind the current moves to convince the health insurance companies that CFS is a real disease and merits disability benefits?"
"Young lady, you can count on me to act in the best interests of the American People and if some - ah- ant-eye-social guys are scared of work, well, then, they can just go right on being scared until they learn different. I tell you, young woman that the real scandals in this Great Country ain't the conniving lawyers attempting to pervert the fight for democracy and justice being carried on by our caring unions like the Teamsters but the parasites on our fine society; the vile un-Christian, bums and layabouts. There ain't no such thing as a free lunch."
"Thank you, Senator."
"Finally, across the Tasman, our Special Correspondent has been sampling local reactions."
"Doctor, the book Coachman's Net has caused quite a furore in the 'States. Can you tell me how much of it - if anything - we can accept and what we should question?"
"Call me 'Jim'. We-ell, I suppose you could start by subtracting a 95% bullshit factor."
"I see. So what is left - er - Jim?"
"Jeez, them Yank health insurance companies could make an Act Of God out of a pissed road-train driver running down abos, notching a tally with 'is mates."
"According to the text, doctor Elaine St Claire was was handled very roughly by the authorities?"
"Yeah."
"The CDC maintain that they could not support her findings. Their spokesperson also said, - and I quote, - 'Elaine is very highly strung'."
"You said it mate. They couldn't have strung her much higher."
"Are you implying?....."
'Not without no lawyer. But how many papers did your blokes hear on aetiology in that plastic [Beep] emporium last October? We do things different round here cobber. I'm telling you, we're into effects that we can measure. When we can do that, then we'll be worrying about causes. And another thing...."
"If I may interrupt you, Doctor, we have been told that a Doctor Su-ha-dol-nik [?] has made a breakthrough which might lead to a diagnostic test?"
"Temple. Yeah. Soodolnik. Good on 'im. 2-5A pathway, right?"
"I'm afraid I have no specialist knowledge but I gather your team is also working on a possible diagnostic approach with urine samples?"
"Yeah. This is Oz. We're into the piss."
