(Written by one who would rather remain nameless)
(With apologies to Tom Sharpe, Mervyn Peake and Punch magazine)
Dear Mum,
I might have to come home for a week or so, I'm so tired. I know its mid-semester but my flu won't go away and I can't think straight. I couldn't get my essay in on time and I went to see Harry and he wouldn't even look at me. I'm going to Student Health.
Love, Fi.
"Darling, Look, I'm running late...."
(".....!")
"Yes, I know, but I had to see a student who was late with her assignment."
("......?")
"Yes, I was alone but I avoided catching her eye so Visual Harassment shouldn't be a....."
("....?")
"Well, she said she was tired. Looked pretty washed out in the lecture.too. Wall-eyed, not thinking straight. Been OK up to now."
("......?")
"Not really, more of a 'What's a girl got to do to get an A around here'. Kept it arms-length."
("....!!!")
"I suppose so, with the damp weather. Damn Magic Mushrooms. See you shortly, bye."
Helm@aglarond.otago.ac.nz
Subject: Fiona
Bruce, you bastard, what did you do to Fiona last night? She could hardly stand after the sodding lecture and she never showed for the piss up. She was going with *me*. I'll have your balls for earings. Start looking over your shoulder in dark alleys, Bruce! Kieth.
Titus@aglarond.otago.ac.nz
Subject: Fiona
Honest, Kieth, never laid eyes on the cow. Must have been up the peninsula at the magic mushroom party. Looked like it this am. ??Into the piss somewhere else. Thought she was with you. Rude bugger. ([:-<) Bruce.
Student Health CentreUniversity of Waitati
Re: F Sheerwater
I saw this patient today complaining of exhaustion. Physical examination revealed no abnormalities. Blood taken for FBC and LFTs. Not taking oral contraceptives. Emotional life unexceptionable. Suspect cause to be pre-examination anxiety. I felt an Impaired Perfomance Certificate inappropriate without more physical evidence of ill-health and have referred her to you for counselling. She has asked me to sanction a week at home to recover.
Yours sincerely,
D.W.Xavier-Brown MB ChB., Dip Obst., MRCGPNZ.
Dr Xavier-Brown
Student Health
University of Waitati
Dear Diana,
Fiona is such a sweet child and very upset about her work. I am quite sure she has real problems but of course, problems don't always have to be Physical to be real. Roger, our Chaplain, has very kindly been offering her spiritual guidance but I am afraid she seemed just a tiny bit inattentive. He was a little hurt when she kept yawning and couldn't remember what he was saying. It may be just problems of attitude and I'm sure we will find a way around it, given a little time. Meanwhile she is having a nice break and perhaps when she gets back they will all have gone away. Roger thinks she may have some repressed guilt feelings. He says a lot of not-very religious people do.
With all best wishes,
Mary.
Student Health
U Waitati
Dear Doctor,
Thank you for referring this patient to me. I have not yet seen her although I understand she is returning here for a week's rest. I am, however, already confident of my diagnosis since student hovels are invariably infested with half-feral cats which are passed on to succeeding occupants. You younger graduates never seem to consider the common zoonoses and your preoccupation with high-technology medicine leaves considerable blind areas in your investigations of the simplest conditions. Look for sparrows before you look for canaries!
You will find that Miss Shearwater will prove to be suffering from debilitation due to an exessive worm load of Enterobious vermicularis, the Common Threadworm and possibly from chronic Toxoplasma gondii as well. Both these are rife throughout the student population, which I know well from my own time at Waitatati many years ago and which is no surprise considering the general level of hygene amogst them.
Yours faithfully
Warren Stokes LRCP MRCS
14 Ailsa St
Glencrummock
Dear Joy,
Sorry I never made the flat-warming. I'm back at home for a few days rest. I'm a bit frightened because I don't know what's wrong with me and neither does that cold-fish-cow, DWX-B, at Student Health. At that, she's better than the lunatics she passed me on to. I came out of Student Counselling feeling 2 inches high and covered in pink icing and then they passed me on to this creep in a corduroy suit who kept on patting my knee and going on about 'Guilt'! And that wasn't the worst. DW wrote to the old family GP here and mum took me to see him.
You wouldn't believe it. He said he wanted to do this 'little test', had me undress and bend over the couch and then his nurse stuck sellotape across my bottom! I said What the hell, did he think I had diarrhoea or something and what was his problem anyway? The nurse took it off and he peered at it for ages under an old brass microscope muttering curses (said he was looking for eggs!!!) and then jumped on a chocolate bar that had fallen out of my pants pocket when I took them down. I said I had one most mornings to get available sugar which helps me concentrate and he had me starve all the next day, took a blood sample with a giant steel syringe out of the Ark and said he'd guarantee I had Diabetes! I'm feeling worse now than when I came home. I'd tell you to stay away from Kieth while I'm down here but I'm so weary I don't really care.
Break a leg. Fi
Dr D W Xavier BrownStudent Health
U Waitati
Dear Doctor,
I attendedn your patient on the 14th inst and was unable to find evidence of worm infestation. Fasting blood sugar was normal. Frankly, I think she may be 'puttin it on' a bit. Probably trying to get a bye on her exams. Students have not changed that much since my day. One thing I would appreciate, and that is if you would expalin to her that the sellotape procedure was a diagnostic test looking for enterobius eggs, which, as you may be aware, are laid in clusters nocturnally around the anal margins by the female and account for the pruritis associated with the condition in children and animals. They adhere to the sellotape and are simple to spot with practice. She appeared to resent (and misunderstand) the process, although it is quite atraumatic except in the hirsute and gave me little opportunity to explain it to her.
Sincerely,
Warren Stokes LRCP MRCS
Glencrummock Health Centre
P O Box 13
Glencrummock
Re F Sheerwater
Dear Doctor,
Thank you for seeing my patient. It is evident that you displayed all the tact and Gender-Sensitivity of the male enterobius, which, as you may be aware, in losing its nervous system and alimentary tract, has degenerated to little more than a bag of sperm which exists as an obligate parasite inside the female. Have you considered the option of retirement recently? I have already advised the University Senate of the unapproachable conduct of one of her male lecturers from whom she was seeking advice and am confident that his discriminarory behaviour will cost him his position. I shall, of course, be advising the GMCNZ Disciplinary Committee of your own conduct towards this patient for similar reasons. Incidentally you, or your secretary, appear not to have mastered the 'Spellcheck' function on your word processing package.
Yours sincerely,
D.W.Xavier-Brown MB ChB., Dip Obst., MRCGPNZ.
Ailsa St. Friday
Dear Joy,
No, I'm not much better but yes, I'm still coming back next week, no I don't think it has anything to do with my diet I've been eating the same stuff for 20 years and yes I would eat a Dead Animal. Haven't you noticed how the live ones wriggle and get blood all over your clothes not to mention fur stuck in your braces? Washing your hands of me if I won't help myself is something I might just have to try and live with. With my stomach upsets right now 50 different varieties of beans are the last thing I need and I don't care if the wind stops when you get used to it. If you want to know, I think its the people around you who have to get used to it and its a lot more antisocial than eating steak.
Seeya, Fi.
Xavier,
Student Health Centre
Xavier,
Thank you for referring this Client to me. I would, however, point out that in the Department of Psychiatry we avoid Heirarchist titles amongst colleagues as well as from clients. We also avoid ritualist endearments in professional communications and refer to our clients as 'Clients' rather than 'Patients' to avoid the authoritarian/maternalistic image associated with obsolete concepts of a 'Doctor-Patient' relationship. We also wish to dispel elitism within the Profession and, as a Consultant Psychiatrist, I encourage the support specialities such as physicians, surgeons, even the humble GP to refer to me as 'Pierce'. Clients, on the other hand, are instructed to refer to me simply as 'Barbara'. I have referred to you as 'Xavier' assuming that this is your own name as we disapprove of the male-ownership connotations of changing one's name in a formalised heterosexual partnership.
Please note the answers I have flagged in the questionnaire and my summarised analysis (encl). During our first interview it became very evident that Fiona has major sexual identity problems coupled with strong female emotional needs. These do not appear to be met in her heterosexual relationship and it is obvious that the conflicts arising therefrom are generating guilt and anxiety to a level which is leaving her physically exhausted. I have therefore recommended that she attends our weekly seminars on Sexual Identity and Avenues of Fulfillment. Meanwhile, I have strongly advised her to discontinue her relationship with the male, Kieth.
Pierce.
"Hello, Joy? Look, sorry I wrote you that ratty letter, I didn't really mean it but I've got so bad tempered and I don't realise it till later. I'm not sleeping properly on top of everything else."
("......!")
"I know I didn't have to but I was upset and I do need a friend. I don't know who I can talk to if its not you."
(".......?")
"Honestly, I just couldn't face a pile of beans right now. No, DW sent me to a shrink called Barbara Pierce and she asked me some horrible questions, really she got very personal and I had to fill in this questionnaire about my sex-life and I think I must be totally abnormal or something, I never even thought of a quarter of the things..............."
("....? !!")
"What's a bulldyke, Joy? But no, she didn't - well, not really, I mean, she was very......"
("......!!!")
"Oh! Well, heaven knows what she's said to DW. I have to see her Thursday. Sorry about the beans. Bye!"
Titus@aglarond.otago.ac.nzSubject: Fiona
Well thats it, Kieth, mate. You can kiss Fiona goodbye and so can I, or anyone else for that matter. She was in the canteen lunchtime with that shrink, Pierce. Remember? The one who gave the sexual identity lectures? Wears combat fatigues and a forage cap? Chews tobacco? Come on out and we'll have a few jugs instead. Bruce.
Dear Mum,
They think I'm nuts here and I'm beginning to wonder if they're right. I went to see Harry after the lecture today and he just glared at me and when I asked him what was wrong he went purple and looked as if he was going to burst. Then he shouted horrible things at me and something about costing him his job. Honestly, I'm beginning to wonder if he really is an MCP. And this woman, Barbara Pierce is so domineering but I have to call her Barabara. She says I'm a closet Lesbian! She won't see patients in her rooms because its threatening so we have to go to the canteen and its so embarrassing with her asking all these very personal questions in a loud voice and spitting tobacco juice in her coffee cup. And she says I should tell Kieth to get lost! And I can't find Kieth. He didn't answer the phone and when I went round there his flatmates said he was off down the pub with Bruce and I did so want to see him. He's about the only normal person left. I don't know what to do.
Love, Fi.
PierceDepartment of Psychiatric Medicine
University of Waitati Medical School.
Re F Sheerwater
Dear Doctor,
Thank you for seeing this patient. However, I am unable to accept your diagnosis as it stands, largely because I believe your questionnaire to contain flaws. I do not, for instance, accept your conclusion that this patient masturbates 'up to 5 times a day' when she has to tick one of two boxes saying "Less than 5 times a day" or "More than 5 times a day". Similarly, the fact that she is reticent about specific physical details of her relationship with K Meakin does not, to my mind, imply a sense of guilt or a rejection of her perceived sexual identity. While I agree it is probably less threatening than your rooms, perhaps the Student Canteen is not an ideal venue for interviewing a patient on this subject.
Furthermore, my name is Xavier-Brown and I do not have a married name (although I have a partner and three children), since I am not married. And, speaking as a humble GP I fail to see how addressing you by what is, presumably, a Patronymic, does anything to ameliorate your personal problems of strident arrogance and supercilious elitism, although I confess to being totally nonplussed when I try and deduce even the most far-fetched delusions upon which they could be grounded.
D.W.Xavier-Brown MB ChB., Dip Obst., MRCGPNz
"A&E?"
(".........Cackle")
"Oh yeah? Very funny. Heard that when you were still shitting yellow. Now wipe your nose and go and tell a real doctor Clive's got an OD in the wagon. Be with you in 5 or so. Female, Cauc. 20'ish. Bit blue. Still breathing and he takes two sugars."
(".........?")
"Just pull your panties up, get the plumbers kit out and I'd say she'd make it."
("..........?")
"Nah, doesn't look like one. Not mainlining anyway. Student, give you 2 to 1 on. Ten bucks?"
("..........!")
"Well then its time you got circumcised."
("....?......!!")
"Yeah, well I meant above your ears. Endit.".
Dr D W Xavier-Brown Student Health U Waitati
Re: Ms Fiona Sheerwater
Dear Doctor,
I have to advise you that your patient, Ms Sheerwater, appears to be in a position to file a suit for malpractice in that she was prescribed a significant quantity of Valium by yourself in addition to large quantities of tricyclic antidepressants by Dr Pierce of the Department of Psychiatry. It is hard to escape the conclusion that her resulting hospitalisation in a comatose state was directly attributable to complying with her instructions for treatment.
The case is one of Professional Negligence and the Committee has not yet ascertained which one of you will be called upon to answer it since it remains to be established whether or not Dr Pierce (as was incumbent upon her to do so), had informed you of the treatment she had prescribed.
Nevertheless, you would be advised to retain Council forthwith and to prepare a file of all documents relating to the case. The Committee will in any case be proceeding against Dr Pierce for the excessive quantities of obsolescent neuroactive drugs prescribed to a patient who was likely to be in an emotionally labile state (regardless of the liver damage which she has reportedly sustained as a result of taking them). In addition, should it become evident that you were aware of Dr Pierces' inappropriate prescription, I must advise you that you can also be considered negligent for not taking action to alert the patient and recover the supplies of the drug in her possession.
In the meantime the Committee is informing the authorities at Willowbrook Hall that it is ordering a review of the use of physical restraints on Ms Sheerwater and also considering the prospect of permitting her next of kin to visit her.
Yours Faithfully
A.G. Beauchamp. LlD
Secretary to the Board
Pierce Dept Psych U Waitati NZ ex Linda May Gruenberg UCLA.
Hi Pierce honey just delighted advise personal chair created for you in wymins Psych comma faculty wymins studies ucla following publication yr monograph quote sexual identity and the double x chromosome unquote stop salary telephone number stop top best seller list stop cbs standing by stop immediate us citizenship special act congress stop just dont you worry about that old passport stop. executive jet also standing by stop gruenberg dean
[D-Block, Willowbrook Hall]DEAR MUM AND DAD, SORRY ABOUT THE LOO-PAPER BUT THEY WON'T GIVE ME WRITING PAPER AND ITS JEYES SLIPPERY SO IT SHOULDNT FALL TO PIECES. I'M ALLOWED THE WAX CRAYON FOR FREE-ASSOCIATION DRAWING ON THE WALL BOARD BECAUSE ITS NON-TOXIC. I'M GIVING THIS TO NATALIE WHO IS ALLOWED OUT AT WEEKENDS TO SEE HER FOLKS BECAUSE SHE'S FOOLED THEM THAT SHE'S NOT VIOLENT ANYMORE AND SHE'S PROMISED TO POST IT FOR ME.
I'M WRITING IN SPITE OF WHAT THEY SAY BECAUSE I'M REALLY TRULY NOT MAD ANYMORE AND I THOUGHT YOU WOULD BE WORRYING MORE NOT LESS IF I DIDN'T. I'M NOT SO YELLOW NOW AND MY HANDS AREN'T FLAPPING SO MUCH BUT ITS STILL HARD TO WRITE. This mrs boshom made THEM TAKE OFF THE STRAIGHT-JACKET AND SAID sHE WAS INSISTING THAT I GET A REVIEW IN 6 MONTHS. I KNOW I WAS VERY ILL BUT I STILL DIDN'T WANT TO TAKE THE PILLS BARBARA WAS MAKING ME. HONEST, THATS WHY SHE HAD ME PUT IN THE JACKET. SAID IF I WAS REFRACTORY I MUST BE RESTRAINED. AND WHEN I WOULDN'T
SAY WHAT THEY WANTED in PSYCHOTHERAPY (THEY had to give ME that instead WHEN MY LIVER WASN'T UP TO THE PILLS) SHE SAID I WAS A DANGER TO MYSELF. BUT I REALLY DO LIKE KEITH AND I WASN'T JUST CONFORMING TO PEER PRESSURE AND I DIDN'T FEEL MORE TIRED WHEN I WAS WITH HIM I FELT A BIT BETTER. I'M GLAD BARBARA'S GONE. ANYWAY I'M JUST SAYING WHATEVER THEY WANT ME TO SAY NOW I'VE WORKED OUT WHAT THEY LIKE AND MAYBE THEY'LL LET YOU COME AND SEE ME SOON. BUT DON'T TELL THEM ABOUT THIS LETTER OR I'LL END UP BACK IN THE JACKET.
AND I REALLY AM MUCH BETTER. I'M NOT CRYING HALF AS MUCH AND THEY GAVE ME THIS PIECE OF STRING TO WIND ROUND AND ROUND MY FINGERS AND IT DOES HELP ALTHOUGH MY HANDS STILL SHAKE SO MUCH ITS HARD TO DO IT FOR LONG. DON'T BREATH A WORD OF THIS TO ANYONE BUT I THINK THERE ARE 5 OR 6 OF US HERE WHO AREN'T MAD AT ALL BUT YOU MUSTN'T SAY THAT BECAUSE THE ONLY WAY TO GET OUT OF HERE IS TO BE REHABILITATED AND THAT MEANS YOU HAVE TO AGREE WITH THEM FIRST THAT YOU'RE NUTS BEFORE THEY'LL BELIEVE YOU CAN GET BETTER. ITS A CATCH-22. ANYWAY, LIKE I SAId
THERE ARE THESE FEW OF US WHO MANAGE TO TALK A BIT IN THE CAFF QUEUE AND JANE SAYS THERE IS THIS DISEASE THAT WE'VE ALL GOT THATS REAL AND WE'RE NOT NUTS AT ALL BUT SHE MUST HAVE SAID IT TOO LOUD SOMEWHERE BECAUSE I SAW HER WHEELED PAST ON THE TROLLEY IN A JACKET SCREAMING AT THEM AGAIN YESTERDAY. FOOTSTEPS IN THE HALL SO MUST STOP NOW AND HIDE THIS UNTIL I CAN GET IT TO NATALIE. LOVE FI.
PS. Jane says its CALLED CFS .
Memorandum
to Sandy
From Julia
This was intercepted by the charge nurse when Fiona tried to pass it to Natalie. Think what it could have done to the parents if they'd seen it! I suppose that means visiting's out for the foreseable future? I must say it doesn't look too good for her review either, does it? Its so damn depressing. Just when you think they might be coming right they go and pull something like this.
... Continue on to Sheerwater II
